DO ONE THING EVERYDAY THAT SCARES YOU

I'm officially a month old here in my new company and so far I have learn to make new friends. By now I already love the idea of working night shift and saying good night when the sun rises. I've been able to change night by day, I can sleep sound at times when the sun is at its best. And the best thing ever happened to me so far was the idea of conquering one fear.

Since the day I began to let my world revolved around here, I have learned that elevators are not that scary after all. Got this claustrophobia issues. I don't hate close places but I can't deny I'm scared and that's not by choice. It just happen, I just feel it whenever everything is closed and there is no air coming in and out. Makes me faint and eventually my heart's screaming out for help. I have that fear for so long and I have suffered two long weeks to tame myself with elevators. Told myself that I don't need to access the stairways from ground to 10th floor every time I'm going to eat at the cafeteria. Hurray! I managed to let that fear go away. At least with elevators.

They said that doing a thing that scares you everyday will help you get out of your comfort zone, and that is exactly what had happen. I can now say goodbye to the long and tiring staircases.

Tomorrow I'll start to quit smoking, gradually and eventually staying quit.

So help me God!

PAP SMEAR

A Pap smear (Pap test) is a test of a sample of cells taken from a woman's cervix. The test is used to look for changes in the cells of the cervix that show cervical cancer or conditions that may develop into cancer. --- some web definition I've bumped across.

Yayksssss!!!! It's a long wait for dreamland to come and considering I still have to ride the elevator worth 2 minutes down to the lobby plus around 4 seconds to badge out and then of course the undying jeepney ride from Ayala to Lapu-lapu City. And still I got 1 hour and 30 minutes left before I can go out of the office says my timecounter desktop display that won't go away until you choose to close the application, courtesy of a friend Ryan Luke Daque (shhhh he never know anything about this, harhar).

Anyway as time draws closer to weekend, I heard someone talking about pap smear and a lot of good lucks and oh-my-god-by-the-way-anyway-subway along the pap smear topic. Since I'm a no-knowledge-i-dont-care-about-that-medical-issue man I chose to be on my own. I got tired of doodling that is not going anywhere other than a mess so I opted to just open blogger.com and write something irrelevant. So here, I come up with this.

Timecounter check - 1 hour and 6 minutes remaining...

Happy weekend everybody!

HOW SMALL IS YOUR WEB BROWSER?

Since nobody is buying my semi-desperate move on sitting 1 meter away from my assigned trainer today, I came up with putting some illegal things undetected (only for some idiot like me), just my idea of staying awake.


That is how my screen looked 5 minutes ago and all the time following after this post... Lotus Notes Mail on the background (the legal stuff), and yeah, my web browser (the illegal one) on the reading pane. hahaha. CLEVER! Thanks to Google Chrome for having a Minimal theme featured all white-colored background browser.

Up now, since twitter is flooded with same updates for the latest 7.4 magnitude earthquake in Japan might as well browse my favorite blogs. I'm done reading Alta's 365 project (http://altadc.multiply.com/journal), I'm half way done with Swerver, Ink (http://swerver.multiply.com/journal) and I'll be all around the blog sphere tonight!

Yet I'm still on my mission to kick-some-ass-tonight-crusade!

What's Procrastinating You?

This is officially my third week at my new job and so far I still don't know what to do or how to do things for a start. It's not that I'm so stupid catching up things but I was not given a chance to catch things up or was I given the chance but I was such an idiot not to?

I woke up early today, by early I mean 3 o'clock in the afternoon since I'm into graveyard shift. Usually I arrive home from work around 7 o'clock in the morning, do some FACEBOOKING things, eat my dinner and then head to bed by around eight in the morning. Early today started around 6pm in the afternoon since I drove myself back to dreamland the moment I hit the snooze button on the alarm.

It's not very usual for me to think about things on how to kill time. When I was at my previous job I settled for a busy-busy-very-busy routine. 20 minute break was almost close to impossible. Now it's different, the exact opposite. The moment I wake up, stretch some muscles, pour hot coffee over my 6 inches tavern mug and then the most stressful thinking follows up next --- what am i gonna do to kill time today? EXCRUCIATING!

I'm not gonna make this an exception, NO! It's not that I'm new I can't be busy, significantly busy that is. I don't want this company paying me for not doing anything at all. Tomorrow i'll be kicking some ass until somebody would turn to me and give me something to munch.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy work day for me. Good luck to myself for this mission!

IN THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW, GOODBYE!

Written almost one year ago when everything has to stop...

IN THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW, GOODBYE!

I came here In Cebu bagged with nothing but hopes of having a life less painful than the life I have experienced before. Hoping somewhere in the city I could find a job I would be forever proud of. I decided to change the course I’m taking somehow to escape the painful memories brought about by some hopeless romance; it was all hopeless, just like that. If it was not for that dreadful romance, I wouldn’t be here after all, so in a way thanks for that!

When my initial job-hunting efforts came to nothing, I started to wonder if there is anything I could apply for as I had no experience in anything really and I certainly didn’t have any qualifications or skills, and probably not much talent either. But with practice I learned how to be a better liar at interviews and not long after that I got a job. Welcome to XXX! Hell in the making!

If it weren’t for the people I considered friends, I just think I wouldn’t last a day working with those noisy canines. It was you who made me sane for the rest of my stay. Thanks for that, really!

This place once become my favorite place comforted by the fact that each and every day living in hell, you’re all here to burn the fire with me. We’ll going to be just fine, but I’m not half as confident as I pretended to be, in the fact of the inside, I’m completely devastated that one of the remaining people on this planet who I felt close to seemed to be drifting out of my life. But of course this is not really goodbye, so don’t be sad. It’s goodbye to our lives as XXX's employees, but we definitely are going to see each other. I will say this goodbye in the only way that I know how. I still don’t know what life has to offer me, I have tried every possible way there is but I failed miserably. Knowing you all as a friend is one I considered a miracle.

This will come short since the idea of writing something witty and tear-jerky is quite out of my mind. I’m having trouble with words right now. I don’t know why, probably missing you would explain every bit of possible explanations there is.

All I really wanted to say is that, meeting you along my way was least expected. Thanks for the universe and whoever might have worked on the conspiracy to have our ways crossed, it was all worth it!

Thanks for the amazing friendship you all shared to me. Thanks for all the memories worth remembering for. Thanks for listening to me when I felt the world has given me too much. Thanks for making me realized of all the things that I have not seen before. Thanks for being part of my utterly messed-up ordeal. Thanks for reassuring me that I’m not going crazy when I’m driving nuts way overboard since all of us think that we are under the influence of drugs when we started laughing and shouting literally loud for Ms Jess getting really pissed off. Thanks for sharing your ears to me when I have a lot of unending stories not worth sharing for, but you have stayed right there to give some respect for the oldie trying so much to remember the last remaining good memories tripping down onto memory lane. Thanks for making me mad when I have to hear those seemingly annoying and regretful mistakes I have done crazily, but you all ended up rolling on the floor laughing almost literally mentally irregular. Thanks for laughing at my funny weird and funny ha ha jokes. And above all, thanks for just being there!

Ryan Luke, JL, Roding and Heart, thank you so much for making my stay here half as decent as it should be. I’m honestly divided by the joy of getting back to the wild once all will end here at XXX and the pain of losing good friends that I once accustomed waking up and hoping to see that smiles in your face. I shamefully admit that eventually I fell in love with the thought of seeing all of you almost every morning as I started to set up my work station to get ready for the day’s battle. All these will come to its end and I’m not sure if I can handle that nicely. I may have exaggerated all these yet I hope by the time I’m back to planet Earth I will realized that the light that burns brightly will eventually burn out. I know we will survive, so God bless us in every journey we’ll choose and chose to travel. Goodbye for now! I’ll be praying for all of us.

This would have been the part where I should say ‘period’ and then stopped writing but I’ll try to push my luck, so I decided to do a little twist. I want to say goodbye in the most awkward dialect I’m not fond of writing and most definitely SPEAKING, all things considered! But for whatever it’s worth. Here it is! Spelling and grammar subject for your kind consideration and understanding.

Nakakalungkot lang kasi isipin na hinayaan ka nang panahon matagpuan at makilala ang mga taong mamahalin mo at magmamahal sa iyo ngunit sa paglipas nang iilang pagkakataon ay mawawala din naman pala sila. Kung hindi man tuluyang mawawala eh maghihiwa-hiwalay din naman ang landas na inyong tatahakin. (Jesus Christ ga nosebleed nko anest!). Kung kailan mo natutunan mahalin ang mga taong hindi mo naman inakalang magiging tunay mong kaibigan ay sya rin naman ang panahon kung saan paghihiwalayin kayong nang kung sino man ang may akda sa boung pangyayaring ito. Ano ba ang tunay na dahilan kung bakit tayo pinagtagpo nang tadhana? Ano meron sa pamamaalam at bakit tayo nalulungkot sa mga panahong ito? Ano pa talaga ang tunay na saysay nang kalungkutan na dapat natin maranasan? Magiging mas tanyag na tao ba tayo kung malalagpasan natin ang lahat nang ito? Kailan mo maituturing na pagsubok ang isang bagay, sa pagtatagpo ba na alam mo namang maghihiwalay din o sa paghihiwalay na hindi mo alam kung magtatagpo pang muli?

Hindi ko rin alam ang mga kasagutan sa mga tanong. Ako ma’y naghihikaos din upang matustusan ang naguguluhan kong isipan.

Hindi ko talaga gawiin ang mga ganitong bagay. At lalong hindi ko alam ang ganitong klasing laro. Sadya lang siguro talagang hindi ko alam kung kailan mag paalam at kung kailangan nang mag paalam.

To JL who is always up for something witty whenever everything gets so damn boring, thanks for the load of trivia which by the way I haven’t won a single round to Ryan Luke. Dammit! Hehe.. Thanks for the infectious ‘bese ka? tsat ta?’ reason enough that I can’t finish all my legal task on time, hahaha… See you around the neighborhood.

To Jolin, my Heart most of the time, sorry for all time bad times. Sorry if acted a real asshole once in your life. Thank you for making me smile and thank you for sharing your family to me even if it’s only for a short while, it was terrific! And mostly thank you for being my billiard-buddy, I’m just so weak in my knees, I can hardly speak, I lose all control, with you by my side I swallow my pride. nyahahahaha!

To Roding who have been kicking my ass hehehe, it was funny! Thanks for taking care of me whenever I got the world spinning around. I know how sacred every text messages you sent and I’m glad you’re wasting some of that for me just to check if I’m doing just fine after all the vertigo attacks.

And to Ryan Luke, no doubt you’re acting like Piolo Pascual hahahaha. Thanks for always being there for me whenever I needed some sane-slash-insane person to talk to. Thanks for listening to my craps. Thanks for acting like Popax during his absence. Thank you for making me pissed off most of the time, hahahaha, just kidding. Thank you for saying ‘yes’ when no one else does.

And then again, I said this goodbye in the only way I know how.

BE SAFE!

fly to the moon and back

THE PAST…

If you dreamed of something and pursued to make it happen but eventually you failed, and you woke up, and then slept again and then dreamed of another dream, made a move to make it happen again and you woke up like a big joke was thrown out from somewhere you don’t really know but you know exactly that for the nth time you dreamed, you flunked the nth time as much as you dreamed the nth time, would you still have the courage to sleep and dream again? Or would you give up sleeping and rather find what’s “dream phobia” termed?

When will you stop believing?


TODAY

I am happy today. My routine is to steal a nap every noon break, it always comes after the bell gives me a go signal. Today I was not so successful doing that. I was about to trip into unconsciousness when my phone jerked to life from my trouser pocket; vibrations sent a tickle to my groins.

“unsa nay ayu dha?” (anything good?)

“wlay ayu dri” (nothing's good) was the only reply I can give closest to reality.

“aw. Kanus-a ka kutob dha man?” (oh. 'til when will you staying there?)

Ah that was easy. Told him I’ll be until November, no contracts.

“kada adlaw ky mag labad ulo dri bai. Ang pnka una nga task ky ipa hmo ug calculator nga exakly d same sa windows calculator. Krn ang dedlyn” (headache is a serious routine here. our first task is to make a calculator exactly the same as the windows' calculator. today is the deadline)

WOW! That’s my good friend, and that’s his dream, to be a programmer. His dream has come true, if not absolutely, at least it’s coming to reality. That’s how I figured it out. Good for him, he deserves a life like that. I am honestly happy to hear from him today. I did not expect though that he’ll strike me with a much puzzling-very-simple question. “ikaw unsa man imong drem?” (well, how 'bout you, what's your dream?) Naks!!! I hesitated for a couple of minutes, took me a little while starring blankly at the ceiling thinking “unsa bitaw tuod akong dream?” (yeah, what's my dream anyway?) And out of nowhere I replied “fly to the moon and back”

The problem is, I don’t know what I wanted with my life. I was never serious with all the things that were given to me. I played around too much that I have forgotten to reflect about having a dream and working out to make them come true. Least, I can’t remember the last time I had a dream.

What‘s it like to have a dream?

Who’d tell you that it’s a dream you’re dreaming?

And how does it feel you’re living the dream you’d been dreaming?

If dreams are meant to come true, what is destiny then?

Are dreams only meant for dreamers who are destined to have their dreams come true?

I don’t know, really! I struggle to think of my dreams but they were all gone. Swift along with the wind and now I don’t have any idea if I still have the guts to dream and fail again. I’ve been to a series of meandering experiences, all for nothing, meandering just like that.

TONIGHT

Someone told me not to give up on everything, no matter how hard it is. Said that blessings are given to those who believe. It is a cliché that the greatest glory in life is not in never falling; it is in standing every time you fall. Yeah sure, I got that loud and clear. But how frequent is every time and when will it stop? They said that failure is not a defeat unless you stop trying. But what if you lost every inch of self-esteem you’ve got? What if it’s your mind and heart that have given up already? What if your prayers can’t be heard? Would you still have the reason to believe?

My faith is crashing in front of my face. I want to fight and tell the world that I’m still that kid who dreamed that someday I would fly to the moon, and by the time I’m back, a hero’s welcome is waiting for me to celebrate. But how will I ever do that if I was not given the opportunity to fight, if there were no battles to fight for and if fighting is all but pointless?

I have only a pint of hope left. And tonight I'm taking the the act where most people simply refuse to take the chance. Tonight, all I need is to dream and fill that piece of hope.

Tonight… I will dream!

love letter for nobody

last night i dreamt about you
you looked at me and you gave me the most beautiful smile you ever had.
it felt heaven when you kiss me and told me that you'll love me forever.

i woke up today thinking about you.

how long has it been for you?
for me its been quite a couple of months.
i'm not a believer of love at first sight, but you prove me wrong.
i fell in love with you the very first time i laid an eye on you.
how did you do it?
was it your eyes?
your smile?
or maybe your pretty face.

did i ever tell you how beautiful you are?
do you dream of me too?

i know how hurt you were when i told you i wont die for you
believe me it's true
coz i always wanted to stay alive for you.

though i will always be there to love you and take care of you
but i cant promise that i will always have the wisdom to understand you
no matter what, i will stand right before you with firm conviction.

it scares me every time i think of you
it scares me more when i try to close my eyes
it drives me insane when the world is at its darkest
coz i know your coming close

why are you there when everything else is gone?
why would you chose to talk to me when im in coma?
from which dimension are you from?
are you an angel?
an immortal sent down from heaven to teach us mortals what beauty really is?

even with all this crazy stuff i have in mind
i still would like to see you
and even if you're just a dream
it makes me complete to know that i will always wake up with you.

where am i?

suddenly i woke up one morning and realized i missed blogging. i missed my life and i missed everything that i'm doing. i missed my grammatically-wronged blogs, i missed the freedom of writing. i missed my self-proclaimed impeccable logic harhar!!!...

so here... I'M BACK BLOGGING!!!

i confess, im confused ! ! !

It's been almost a year since the last time I was home. I miss home so much; I did not quite admit to myself or anyone else that I was getting homesick periodically, but the truth is I am crying silently inside every time my mama's face floats through my mind.

In retrospect, it wasn't a very smart choice to live an island away from home, considering that I still have my "I-need-to-be-taken-care-of" attitude. But somehow I have managed to live with and even to enjoy the solitude. I have pretended so much for so long, that i guess I have mastered my performance. By pretending to be just fine when I'm not, saying "yes" when I mean "no", and saying "it's okay" even if it hurts, I've become an expert in these matters.

Now I'm away from home again and there's no sense pretending, I really missed home, above all, I miss mama so much. I remember that day, December 24 when I reached home straight for the groggy ten-hour ferry trip back home. I hug my mom as tight as I could give without hurting her. She lost too much weight, I figured. She hugged me back and smiled. I asked her even though I know her answer would hurt me "ma, kaila pa kas ako?" She smiled, and then nodded. I tried my luck even more, hoping I could hear my name on her lips "uhmmm kinsa man ko?" Again she gave me a smile then murmured "ahmm ikaw si kuan, si kuan, hehehe, kinsa gani ni ha, si kuan bah, hehehe." i drop a pint of tears upon hearing that. I just said " I missed you mom" then proceeded to my room to change. I can't control my emotion so i let go of a full-blast cry. Papa was there and noticed i was crying really hard so he approached me then said "son, I know that hurts, but what can we do, she's sick."

"how bad is she pa?"

"quite bad, she forgot everything, she even couldn't get to complete a single sentence. She can't say any names of anything and everything at that. I figured she even forgot her name" Papa confessed.

He noticed I twist my face and tears flowed out of my already wet eyes. He hugged me tight and said " son, you're here for Christmas, let's stick to it that way. We'll make it through, it's OK"

I was not OK! There is nothing OK with all that. My mom who carried me nine months in her womb, took care of me for almost 24 years of my existence, and just a single tumor hit her brain she forgot about me, my name, everything about me! That hurts a lot! And there is no greater pain than seeing her suffer the pain she feels every time the tumor reacted inside her head. And that's one hell of a good reason to cry. Life is just so unfair. It is and it will never be fair.

I received a call from Papa today to say Hi and said Mom is suffering yet again the pain in her head and that he's afraid he might get her to the hospital. I was caught red-handed with that. After the call, I said a prayer and then stopped.

I wonder how could all these be happening?

Is this someone so powerful who created us enjoys the sight of all this?

If He is by nature benevolent why does he won't make a way to make my mom feel better?

What's He up to?

Where is he talking me, my mom and my whole family?

Where and when will this end?

Can He even hear me?

Is this another trial?

What for?

Why would you have to suffer to learn?

And what will I learn with all this?

I don't know...

I tried to search for Him in the crucifix but he wasn't there. I tried to look for him in the church, the temples and the mosques but he wasn't any where near the sanctuary. I explored the books and the bible but he was beyond the understanding and philosophy of the aristocrat. I scrutinized the beauty of creation, trees, birds, rivers and sea but he didn't leave a trace of him there. I want to talk to Him. Where else can i find him? Have I forgotten to search inside my heart? I hope I didn't.

bLooDshot!!!

for the past few weeks i haven't replied to texts and emails, i did not return the calls or whatever there is to return. i was and still running in the state of the most corniest drama of all time "im busy with my job" na na na!!! for all my friends, classmates, girlfriends, buddies, you know who you are, sorry im just having a bloodshot near my head right at this point... thank you for visiting my site... ill catch up on all of you when i got the best of time to do it... please bear with me on my drama...

the unfair reality !!!

It’s been four days now since I took my exam in just another company here in Cebu. The best thing is I got a perfect score in their exam, I repeat, I got a perfect score!!! I admit the exam was just another English proficiency test, the kind of exam everybody is so familiar with. We were around more than twice a dozen who took the exam and only 7 of us or eight (I wasn't really counting that time) who passed that no-sweet-intellectually-insulting-exam or so I thought. The exam wasn't that easy after all, assuming that only 7 or 8 just passed that exam out of more than twice a dozen individuals. Easy may not be quite appropriate to describe that exam, but then again I got the perfect score. I finished the exam in just a short period of time, less than 10 minutes, that's fast enough for a 60 item test and considering there was actually reading comprehension, the part I hated the most. It was a computer generated exam where you can see your score right after the test. I called the exam attendant and told her I'm done, so she hurriedly click the evaluate button. The page took no less than a thrill to load for the exam result, and kaboom!!!! the exam-attendant's eyes almost literally popped-out and eventually dropped her jaw, then blurted out "whattt?" and then another "my God!!!" then a "is this even real?" after that seemingly unending half-shout-can't-believe expressions, she managed to looked down on me, since I'm seated and she's standing I looked back on her and given her a sweet victorious smile. She managed to jot down my scores and congratulated me for a job well done then told me to wait outside for the initial interview. Indeed I waited outside for my interview for one hour and some couple of minutes almost bored. Then my name was called and handed out my resume and my test result to the guy whose name sounded like Deo, i guess Leo or maybe Reo, I don't know. Then again I received the same reaction like the one the exam-attendant has given me earlier that day. After some traces of shock and a couple is-this-for-real look in his face he managed to let some voice out of his mouth. The first question he ever asked was "were you bored while waiting for your interview?" I said "no sir, waiting is doing something; getting bored is doing nothing at all." I gave myself 50 points for that (maybe he cursed his self for asking that). He asked me without looking at my resume if I finished college which I thought very silly to ask for that moment. I said yes and told him I'm already an engineer. That was the time he drop my test result at the table which is the only thing that separated us then studied my resume for the first time. It took him almost five minutes to do that then finally broke the silence he created with a phrase "tell me something about yourself". My answers were very well rehearsed, no falters whatsoever. Then another minute of silent, then another round of questions and another silence in between questions. It was so obvious that I took him aback the time I handed him my test result. He asked me how the exam was, I told him it was fair, he then followed-up with you perfected the exam, was that easy? i said no sir, the exam was just fair not so easy not so hard, it was just fair, I was presented with four choices each questions, all I needed to do is to pick the right answer, fortunately I picked all the right answers. He nodded to agree. He ended my interview just like that and told me he'll send me and email about the feedback of my interview eleven o'clock the following day but I didn't received any email feedback. And now I'm still waiting for the feedback.

I assumed I did not pass my interview or he just purposely didn't want me to proceed to the final interview because he was too scared of me or maybe I intimidated him with the test result. It wasn't my intention. He didn't give me a fair interview after all. It wasn't an interview for God sake, it was just a conversation strangers usually throw to each other just to start a conversion. I may never have that job but I did my best, everything that I can, but none of that mattered anymore.

This is such a big world. Every time the sun's going down here, it's going up somewhere else. There is always something happening somewhere, and maybe what is happening here is not mine. I might fail a couple more job opportunities here but I know I have more good things waiting for me somewhere else's. Giving up may not be my choice but getting tired is not something that I can control. I admit I'm already tired, and I'm already losing every inch of hope I have. Right now I don't know exactly if I could hold on to this a little longer.

One time an interviewer asked me "you're too thin and small for this job, you're only a kid, do you think you can do this?" I gave him a look and told him "sir, with all due respect, have you heard the story of a young man named David and how he killed the giant? Whatever you are and whatever you do if you believe in yourself and have faith, I think you can face and defeat the giant." I created a silence with that, then he said thank you for my time. I went out of his office, head's up and contented.

Now I don't know what else will come my way, what questions will I have to answer, sarcastically or seriously? I know I can't please everyone, but I know that there is somebody out there who will like the way I think and the way I speak.

Who says that LIFE is fair? It is not, life is not about being FAIR. It is about SURPASSING the unfair reality...

the price of dreaming!!!

this is my third week stay in Cebu and so far I wasn't able to beat what was supposed to be my deadline to land a decent job here. Now i'm so afraid what will come my way. i dont want to stay a lot longer here than one month without a job and definitely doing nothing. im losing all my hopes. i have been to a series of interviews and exams. the exams were good but i can't figure out what i've done or said wrong during my interviews.

i just cant get a job!!! i have done the best that i can. i have said the most honest thing there is to say. i have been praying a lot. is there something wrong with me? what have i done to deserve this? i dont feel secure anymore. im already ashamed of what is happening to me now. i can't think a lot better now.

i dont want to go back home like a loser. i dont know what to believe now. i dont know what is left for me here. all i know is im not giving up. not yet. and i dont know if i can still convince myself with that.

ken lee

i really find this very funny so i posted it here!!! hehehe... enjoy "ken lee"

i was killed twice this week!!!

over the past years and every waking moments of my life, only here in Cebu that i felt i was so stupid. i was rejected by two call center industries in a matter of days. i felt a lot better about myself the moment i woke up Tuesday morning to prepare for my exam and interview, that was my first attempt to land a job in a call center industry and my first in Cebu to seek for a decent job. i went there at the office of my intention half satisfied i made it there on time even without knowing which way and what cab I'll be taking. i was seated there for almost half an hour waiting for the exam to start. the girl with a very nice American accent called my name which of course caught me red-handed even with all the preparations i had. the exam went a little too easy for me. the latest count of applicants i heard was 28, but 25 of them went home earlier than they've expected after the first round of English proficiency test. only three of us were left for the 2nd and 3rd round, then i was left standing alone after the 3rd set of exam. i passed the exams all alone. yeahey!!! then i was asked to fill-up the employment form which i did politely. i waited for another half hour to face the most disappointing final interview ever. i was seated inside a small but cozy room with a gay (happens to be my interviewer for that moment) and a girl (said she's there to observe). then the disaster happened, i was really thinking that the interview would be just as ordinary as every interview I've went through. i was thinking he would asked me to tell him something about myself like the usual round of questions most companies will ask just to start a conversion but i was thinking too well that i got it really wrong. i was shocked when he asked me to tell him something about Bruce Willis. i was really stunned that i lost track of what is happening. i was quiet for about a hundred ages and hadn't recovered myself back. i opened my mouth but i wasn't able to say a thing that is quite correct. i said 'uhmm' then another 'uhmm' then said something about die hard, the tumbling, the helicopter almost on the ground but Willis was there to saved the day. I literally misidentified Willis from Superman, i couldn't construct a very decent sentence. i knew i was miserable by the time i started to open my mouth. i flunked the interview, i flunked the whole thing and Bruce Willis was the root cause of all evil i was into that day. i went home smiling but disappointed. i told myself that there are still a lot of call centers and that i don't need to know much about Willis to be able to land a job. but the story doesn't just stop there. hooooo that was one heck of a pakeng experience in my life. i mean questions like that are not actually very stupid to ask considering that I'm inside a call center premises where the HRs are probably looking for a candidate who knows how to articulate every thing that is coming out of ones mouth. it was totally my fault and my bad. and now i have a strong feeling that I've got phobia on call centers.

maybe call centers are not for me. someday soon I'll find a job that fits me most. but being killed twice in a week isn't the kind of fun i have in mind. i manage a good laugh though, and now I'm still alive, unemployed!!!

ventures to the unknown

after the heart breaking kisses, hugs and goodbyes i made it to Cebu, unemployed yet hoping to discover the height of my career in another location. Cebu is never my ambition, i love Cagayan de Oro so much that i told myself i will never leave the place. I've been living in CDO for quite a while, 10 years to be exact. I love the people there, i love everything in CDO. but life never gave me the opportunity i was looking for in CDO. i was employed in two companies for some time but it was just that, employed but not productive, productive but not what im looking for. so i decided to move to another place. now im sitting here, doing the online job hunting. no proper address and very much afraid of what life can offer me here. im totally an alien here, i dont even know what cab i'll be riding to go to what-place-is-that-again. there are plenty of companies up for grab but i dont know where they are located. i have a lot of colleages here but i miss the company of friends i have in cebu. for sure i'll be looking forward to be with them again. i'll surely miss my room in 4th street nazareth. i will miss the smiles and the giggles we have every morning i and my room mate idol woke up. i will miss the shouts and laughs with my boardmates. the nonsense talk and disscussions i have with opong, elsa, yaya, nanay, kimpoy, taas, new, ron, marlon, nick, fred, dabid and alvin will surely be missed.

the decision was final, i cannot go back and take what has been done. im here, i need to be here. i always believe that if you lose some, you gain some. i may not be with my friends in cdo but i can always have another friends here in cebu. i need to work hard and move on. this is my life now. cebu is where im at. i need to live here. im ready to face the challenges and succeed. i will fly soon.

love me when im gone!!!

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There're secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Or maybe I'm just blind...
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I couldI'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
When your education X-Ray
Cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

maybe im just blind...

half dead...

right at this very moment all i have to say is that im still an idiot.
or should i say i am vulnerable of embracing the thought of some stupid temptations.
i hate myself when i need to say or act or do anything that is out of my will.
fuck it all!!!
why can't i stop this?!!!
why cant you stop it?!!!
stop tempting me!!!
stop talking to me!!!
and please stop acting as if everything is just fine because you're not stupid not to know everything is devastating me!!!
stop asking if im ok because i cant be ok!!!

dont you know that...
im bleeding?
im hurting?
im drowning?
im beginning to hate you?

it's amazing how you knock me off my feet
makes me feel uneasy
makes me darn weak and fool

you make me want for more
every time you touch me i feel bliss
you send shiver to my bones
and i love you for doing that

dont wait till i get a gun
because for sure i wont kill myself
it could be you or him or everybody

stop making me feel stupid coz i am already one
stop acting crazy coz you're not proving your worth
STOP HURTING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IM ALMOST FED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DONT DARE TAKE THE DEVIL OUT OF ME!!!!

ilalum sa akong katre

i wrote this about 2 years ago.

story line written in my own dialect (for those who can't understand, just take another post to read)... enjoy..

Tunga-tunga sa akong pagkatulog naka mata kos kasaba sa mga tao, kung wala ko na sayop alas onse na kadto sa gabii. ni gawas ko sa akong kwarto kay akong gisusi unsa ang hinungdan sa kasaba sa gawas. nahibaw-an ko na lang dayon nga naa diay nag away nga mga kalalakihang hubog. Kung nahinumduman kog ayo ang mga panghitabo, naay mga pulis nag-aparta sa mga lalaki nga kung makasinggit murag tag-iya og pilipinas. ni balik kos akong kwarto aron magpadayon sa akong pagkatulog. andam na ako para matulog apan nadunggan ko nga naay galihok sa ilalum sa akong katre. sa akong katingala akong gisil-ip...

"nag unsa ka diha?" ako nangutana.

"pahawa diri!" tubag sa tao.

sa akong bana-bana ang tao nag edad mukabak sa kapin-kulang byente dos anyos. puti kaayo sa kahadlok ang tao sampang iyang gatabunan iyang mata.

"hoy ga-unsa ka diha og gi-unsa nimo pag sulod diri sa akong kwarto? siguro kawatan ka?" sa usab kung pagpangutana.

apan ang tao wala ni tubag ug padayon sa pagtabon sa iyang mata.

"gawas diha!" gisugo ko ang tao, hapit nako nalagot kaniya.

sa dihang pag istorya nako ni-ani, naghinay-hinay siya og gawas sa ilalum sa akong katre.

"ayaw ko hilabti" matud pa sa tao.

"nganong hilabtan ta man ka, ako gani unta ang dapat manghanyo sa imo nga dili ko hilabtan, unsa ba'y gibuhat nimo diha?"

"diri man ko nag puyo, upat na ka-adlaw" iyang tubag.

ako natingala kaayo ni-ani. gibana-bana ko nga ang tao siguro naay sakit sa ulo og kung dili naay galakag kaniya busa nitago kini ilalum sa akong katre. gipalingkod ko ang tao nga hangtud sa adtong mga orasa gikulbaan pa kaayo. gi-ignan ko ang tao nga dili mahadlok kay dili ko man siya hilabtan. mukuha unta kog tubig aron kini ihatad kaniya apan sa pag duha-duha ko wala ko na lang gibuhat. dugay-dugay pud ayha na wala ang kakulba sa tao. halata pa kini nga usahay mukurog pa siya sa dihang mutan-aw siya kanako.

"unsay pangalan nimo?" gipangutana ko siya.

"jkhan..." ang iyang tubag.

"aha ka gapuyo?"

sa ika-duha nga higayon gi-sultian ko niya nga didto kuno siya sa akong kwarto nag puyo upat na kaadlaw. wala ko na lang gisupo kay murag seryoso man siya, gihunahuna ko na lang nga wala siguro kini balay mapuy-an busa namakak na lang kini... gisultian ko siya nga dako man akong katre, ipapuyo ko na lang sa siya sa akong kwarto samtang maghunahuna siya aha gyud siya tinouray ga puyo.

didto nga higayon nagkahigalaay kami ni Jkhan. ubay -ubay pud ang panag-istoryahay namo. nahibaw-an ko nga akong panag-an bahin sa iyang edad insakto diay, nangidad sa byente dos anyos si Jhkan, lumulupyo sa Bukidnon. nilampos cya sa pag-iskwela isa na katuig ang nilabay sa tunghaan sa Xavier University, sa dihang ni gradwar siya milawig kini diretso sa sugbu aron sa iyang pag review og nipasar sa iyang board exam isip usa ka enyehero. sa tunga-tunga sa among panaglambigit nakaplagan ko nga dugay ko na man diay gisuot ang akong sinina, dili ko na man gani mahinumduman kung kanus-ang higayon last ko nag ilis basta ang namatikdan ko lamang dugay nako walay ilis. nitingdog ko aron sa pag-ilis. sa dihang pag-abri nako sa akong kabinet ako natingala pag ayo.

"kinsa man kaning mga sinina, dili man pamilyar sa ako?"

"ako kanang mga sinina naa diha" matud pa ni Jkhan.

"apan...."

"sama sa gi-ingon ko na sa imo, diri na ako nag-puyo. nangisog kog puyo diri kay wala na akoy lain makit-an nga balay puloy-anan. wala ko damha nga kining mga higayon nga kita magkita og magka-istoryahanay." sa pagstorya niya ni-ani, mikuha kini og dyaryo gikan sa drawer sa akong lamisa. gitunol niya kanako ang dyaryo. "basaha kana" mandar ni Jkhan kanako.

samtang nagbasa ako sa dyaryo...

"lawig na sa lugar nga ikaw mahilum og magmalipayon. dili ka na apil diri, dili na kini imong lugar. pahulay na" ang sulti ni Jkhan.

wala ko na dayon nahibaw-an unsay sunod nahitabo, ang last kong nabasahan sa dyaryo maoy naka esplikar asa tanan butang nga wala ko nangasabtan.

ang dyaryo nag-ingon...

"binaltiyo nga nag edad byente singko anyos nakit-an ilalum sa iyang katre, patay. hangtud sa karong mga orasa wala pa nahibaw-an sa mga otoridad ang hinungdan sa iyang pagkamatay."

mao lang to tanan. har har wala koy lingaw... dili man diay ko maayo mag sulat og short story ngee... ang ilusyon og imahinasyon nga gi-ubanan sa ambisyon is the one!!!!